So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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