I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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