I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
