Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
