Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
