We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
