my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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