how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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