I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
