Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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