how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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