My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
