not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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