Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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