Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize