rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
