i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
