i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
