Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Use "feeling words"
Yay
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
