If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
