I just cut my nipple shaving
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
