dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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