I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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