it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
