he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
bring money and cleavage
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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