you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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