There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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