New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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