I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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