I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
