James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
