Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
