totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
