I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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