she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
