Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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