i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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