I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize