This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
