At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
