My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
