Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
