The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
