Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
