every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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