There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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