Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
