If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
