she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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