Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
