So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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