Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
