someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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