i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
