Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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