the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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