this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
