I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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