i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
