if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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