The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As shirtless as possible
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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