so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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