just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
