Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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